If you will indulge me for a moment- here are the instructions for the “Lid Lock Kit” for our new washing machine. New washing machines all come with this stupid new auto lock feature where you are not trusted to open your own darn washing machine. Ours got stuck and was yanked open, and here we are. Basically, now the washer refuses to go into cycle mode because the stupid lid lock thing is out of place.

I’m not a fix-it guy, so I have to rely on instructions for projects. But the instructions above are completely worthless. Basically, if the person who wrote these instructions were telling you how to bake a cake the instructions would be  1.Bake Cake.

Let’s look at them in a little more depth:

Step 1 is  a reasonable safety feature. Step 6 is the opposite of the safety feature. Fair enough.

Step 4. Is an awful lot of detail about installing the “bezel” – basically, your bezel needs to be in the right place.

This leaves us with Steps 2,3 and 5 as the meat and potatoes of the instructions. Only there is no meat, or potatoes.

Step 2: “Replace Lid Lock as Normal” literally tells me that the instructions for replacing the lid lock is to replace the lid lock. No detail is provided. How do I get to the lid lock? What part of the washer opens? What does “as normal” mean? I’m not a washer-repair person, so these details are important.

Step 3: “Replace the old bezel with the new bezel” – Again, this is a complete instruction, not a detail. I am provided with no information about how to do this or where to do this or even really what the heck a bezel is.

Step 5: “Replace all parts and panels” – what? Wasn’t this covered by Steps 2 and 3? How do you manage to provide no information about how to do something and still manage to be redundant?

Dear moronic instructing-writing fools. Assume that the person reading your instructions is doing so the first time. Where are these parts located? How do I get to them? What tools do I use? What needs to be done to take them out? I’d like to conclude by offering instructions for building the space shuttle, as written by this jerkface.

1.       Step One- Get parts for Space Shuttle

2.       Step Two- Build Space Shuttle

3.       Step Three- Plug in Space Shuttle